Desmond Lomax is a Senior Consultant, Master Facilitator, and Implementation Leader in Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion work at the Arbinger Institute.

Find Desmond on Linkedin

Arbinger books: Anatomy of Peace | The Outward Mindset | Leadership and Self-Deception

What I especially appreciated was how you were able to take this topic that is top of mind and many people out there are talking about it, but you were able to humanize it and you were able to allow the audience to be able to connect from a human to human level. That obviously is so important in every environment, every circle that we’re in. 

For our conversation, I wanted to bring that into the workplace, specifically hiring and integrating new people into the mix. But before we get into that, I'd love to just know how you get involved in this line of work.

Desmond: I started in the prison system. I was a therapist for the prison system and it was my first introduction to marginalized people struggling to make it in society, outside of my personal experiences.

I can't think of too many things more difficult than coming out of a prison system and returning as a citizen of the society and not feeling that you have the capacity or the resources to be able to do that successfully.

So I went from a therapist to a manager, to a state director where I was in charge of all the programming outside of the prison in the state of Utah. From there, I started teaching courses in Forensic Social Work at the University of Utah. I'm a Licensed Clinical Therapist, so it all came together.

I started doing many podcasts and videos about the things I've learned, and then my son passed away. I lost a child, he was a freshman in college. He committed suicide. I found myself in this unique position where I was like okay, Dezzy, you’ve been through some stuff now, you know what it's like to lose a child to something horrific. What can you do differently in society to create a greater sense of inclusion and belonging?

I think that's what motivates me. My son seemed isolated and alone, even though we talked every day. We had a lot of communication and people cared about him, but there just wasn't a sense of belonging for him. I wanted to do something about that. I just took all of this background and my knowledge and as I was working with Arbinger, I joined their design team, and we created the curriculum called Outward Inclusion and I spent the last few years sharing the message of what it looks like in your organization and in your space where we can, 1)  see the humanity of another person, and then 2) understand our impact on that humanity.

As simple as that sounds, there are things that we all have that interfere with our ability to do those two basic things. I've been working all over this country, all over internationally, just doing the work, being motivated by the loss I've experienced and the knowledge that I've gained.

Katty: Thank you for sharing that and heartfelt condolences. I don't know how long ago that was, but it's always fresh in the heart of anyone who's lost someone. Thank you for sharing that with us. I appreciate that you took something so devastating and you were able to turn it around and then bring positive impact to others from it.

Desmond: Yes, I hope so. What I've learned is that loss is energy. It's bonafide energy and either you do something with it, or it does something with you. I would like to say there are all these other options, but either that is the same energy that is just really hard. I've seen both of them in my life so I'm not trying to say I'm on one side or the other. But loss is a lot of energy that you need to transform into something or else that loss will transform you. That's what I've learned and that's what I'm trying to do.

Katty: Thank you for doing that and thank you for including us in that conversation. Let's go back to the two-pointers that you mentioned. The first one was seeing the humanity in each other and the second one was impacting humanity. Can you talk a little bit more about that and how it impacts the workspace, specifically as we bring in new people into that workspace; a brand new hire joining an existing team that's been together for a long time?

Desmond: I love that, Katty. I always say to people, good people, good hard-working people are often blind to their impact on others. The first step to understanding my impact is to humanize aspects of the workplace. If I'm not humanizing the workplace, and I'm seeing people as objects, either vehicles that are doing the work I need them to do, or obstacles that aren't doing the work I need to do or relevancies. When I see people through that lens, what’s happening is that I'm spending a lot of time justifying my view of a human being good enough, and spending a lot less time understanding that human being in a way in which I can be more effective.

Thus, the new employee coming into the workplace my view and my objectification of that new employee can impact my ability to improve their life-work situations.

If they approach it like “Here comes a new employee. It’s going to take nine months to get them on board. Three months to do this and one month...” If all they are is a problem that I now have to carry until I get them to a point of efficiency, they will sense that and they will resist. What we've learned is that all people will resist being objectified.

If we can start looking at the resistance in our lives and how we are seeing people and their resistance to us, we can start to recognize that maybe there are ways in which I see this person, ways in which I objectify this person that might be creating some of this resistance.

Katty:  You're saying that they're resisting because there's a feeling of sensing something coming from us that's creating that? They're putting their guards up. Is that what's happening?

Desmond: Absolutely. Well, it's twofold. One thing, yes. A lot of times when we have resistance, it's because people have a sense of objectification. They see us objectifying them.

The twofold is this, we may be doing things to objectify them and they may have emotional luggage that they bring with them to the circumstance where they've been objectified in the past that can also create some of those feelings. It can be twofold. It's not necessarily all on our side.

As leaders, as people who are supervising, people who are co-workers, and we have a direct impact on people, we can only work on the latter part; our impact. How we impact these folks so that they feel seen, they feel valued, they feel they're a part of the process, and they feel amid all the difficulties that come along with work, that they matter to us. That’s the part that we can control.

Katty That we can hear their voices, right?

Desmond: Yes. We can read a lot of books like, “How to Influence People and Make Friends,” and gain all the tools in the world, but people have a sense of when you acknowledge their humanity or not. What we’ve recognized is that in the hustle and bustle of work, when we’re trying to accomplish what we need to accomplish, at times we are not humanizing the process. We do not see people as people and they are responding in a way that's resistant to us as their leaders or co-workers.

Katty: What would you recommend both from the person who's starting their job, as you said, they're also bringing their baggage into the mix. We all have them, right? We travel with them. Hopefully one day we can set them down and lose that baggage.

We're bringing that with us into a new role and our teammates, supervisors, all of them, everybody has their baggage of life with them. Right? How do we go about creating a space and creating dialogue around not allowing that to permeate? I would imagine that even during the interviewing phase, that probably can show up. Right?

Desmond: Yes, this is something I've recently done in my whole life. I recently moved to a beautiful little town on the border of Maryland and Pennsylvania side of the base and Mason Dixon Line. 35 minutes from Baltimore. Amish countries. I get the best of both worlds. I can have a fresh pretzel one night and a crab cake the next night. Anyway, I'm in heaven.

We've been here for a year. We spend more time inside of our house fixing up our house may be engaging with the community. I go to my wife, like, “Hey, it's the Fourth of July. The Lions International Club is looking for volunteers. Let's do some social exercise.” Let's just get out and meet people and connect with people. It's a social exercise. We went out there for two days, we volunteered, flipped burgers and prepped hotdogs and hamburgers, and met a lot of people in the community. We have our social baggage; we have our challenges and fears that are associated with connecting with new people and being in a new space.

In the midst of all that, we have to practice social exercise, social work, and our ability to connect with others in meaningful ways. If I'm the new employee, I may be disappointed if I'm waiting for someone to engage me positively. I remember one of my first days at the prison. I worked as a correctional officer for many years and then became a therapist. Th